On "Wetness"

(Yes, I'm going there...)


So, I want to say a little on the topic of perceived vaginal looseness, and the conclusions that some people draw from said perceived looseness.

This is a topic that, as with any other topic that interests me, annoys me to no end when a majority of people are extremely ignorant of its facts. Admittedly, I don't hear it come up as frequently anymore, but that all has to do with demographics. First, awkward art students don't appear to be one of the groups of people most comfortable with speaking on the specifics of sex. (Especially when compared to Marines.) And secondly, it could be successfully argued that most of my friends and close friends these days are women. But with that said, let me go back to the topic of Marines, who, being big mouthed enough to dare say what most other men are thinking (and don't think for a second that I am excluding myself from that "big mouthed" label), were the crowd out of whose mouths I would hear this come out of most often.

One of the facts of life for the average Marine is being away from home for long stretches of time, so this applied to many of them. "This" being the belief that, to put it bluntly, if you come home after a long absence, and your girlfriend/wive's pussy feels "looser" than it usually is, then it is proof that she was cheating on you while you were away. There is just so much wrong with that belief, that the last time that I heard it come up, a few weeks back, I succumbed to my need to fight disinformation and posted this for all of my relations on Facebook to see:

"GUYS: If your woman has been away from you for a while, and she then feels 'loose' when you fuck, it isn't proof that she cheated on you; dry vagina feels tight, wet vagina feels loose(r). If she felt wetter than usual (thus looser), I would take it as proof that she probably hasn't fucked in a while. (And that you're terrible at foreplay for not getting her as wet most other times.)


Your woman would have to be fucking someone who has a dick that's as fat around as a newborn baby for her vagina to get noticeably stretched. To add to that, if you have been beating off with a death grip in the interim, her vagina will also feel noticeably looser by comparison. (DUH!)


Could she be cheating on you? Yeah, sure. But unless her being more wet that usual is because there is a shitload of fresh semen in her vagina, I wouldn't use 'looseness' as a reason to accuse her of it. That's all I have. Thank you for your time and attention..."

Yes. I did.

(Now, of course there are exceptions, but I would argue that this is the norm, and generalizations help get the message across in a succinct, understandable manner.)

But to be fair, infidelity is kind of rampant in the military, so I can't entirely blame the men for being all paranoid and insecure about their wives and girlfriends. Also, the men do their share of cheating while they're away from home, so projection adds to the paranoia and insecurity around the topic. It's kind of the nature of the beast though. I won't say that infidelity is right, but expecting that a partner will feel no temptation when sexual frustration is high from months of not getting any is just unrealistic...but I digress!

If this offended any of you out there, I am not sorry. Also, if you know anyone else who spits the mindless, uneducated drivel that looseness = cheating, please help them catch the fuck up, so I don't have to blow my lid many more times, okay? Thank you. That's all I have for y'all. Carry on!

J, out...

"Friends", In A Post-MySpace/Facebook World

(It's been on the back burner for a while...)

If the amount of times that I see this topic come up, and how gracious people are when I point out a few of these things to them is any indication, then the common youth these days are incredibly ignorant on just what a "friend" actually is. (Most adults might not have a damn clue either, if they're not teaching them better.)

It's crazy how the meaning of such a simple thing can be muddled by the overuse of its name. (Thus my mention of a few social networking sites above.) But, is it really so simple? I had a good mentor several years back, and it was with his help that I learned how to define a word and idea as abstract as "friend" for myself. The thing is, each one of us gets to define it for ourselves. It's that simple:

friend 

[frend]

-noun

whatever you need it to be

Still, I feel like sharing more of my views on this topic. Feel free to take any of my views and use them as a "framework" to build your own definitions on. So with that, I should go on to explain that there are many different levels of "connections" that need to be considered; that it isn't just "friend or not". I like to think that all of the people that I know are on different levels, and each in their own gradient. As of this date, I break down my friend continuum in this way:

Close Friend > Friend > Friendly Acquaintance > Acquaintance > Stranger > Fair Weather Friend > Enemy > Frienemy

I drew this myself. Aren't you proud?!

I'll break each of these down, for those of you who care to know. Also, these are in order, from better to worse. So, to set up a good base for the rest of these, I will first explain what my idea of a Friend is. To me, a friend is someone that has at least a few things in common with me, and meets my companionship needs, being that I am a social creature and all. I have friends that I just hang out, bullshit, have a good laugh, play videogames, or watch something with. Some, I get drinks, catch up, and discuss life and romantic relationships with. Others, I like to converse with about emotional, abstract, or theoretical subjects, or about social/political/human issues. Some, I go shopping, eating, or to a theme park with. And some others (of the female type) I have sex with. The list could go on, but what they all have in common is that I spend time with them by my own choosing, and I can trust them to be there for me for at least that much. Some I can trust with many of these things, others with less. Some are friends with each other, and others belong to their own separate circle, and are my friends exclusive of the rest. Some I mix, and some I do not.

A Close Friend then, is someone who fits my description above, and who I feel I have a stronger connection to. They're someone who I've known for a several years, have shared a lot of experiences with (thus having more in common), and who I trust with a lot more. Some might call this a Best friend, but I feel that the term Best is rather exclusive. I'm not in elementary school (don't be fooled by the drawing above!), so I don't feel the need to subconsciously prompt my friends to compete for some top spot.

Next, I'll explain Acquaintance. To me, an acquaintance is someone who I have somewhat of a connection to, be it by choice or not, that I know a little, and who I have a generally positive feeling about, even though I don't know them all that well. They're generally not someone that I would invite out for a drink after work; they're not someone that I hang out with outside of work, school, or whatever other social setting it is that we interact in. That social setting is probably one of the very few things that we have in common, and our interactions are probably mostly professional. If I ever ran into them outside of this setting though, I'd probably tell 'em "Hi" and ask them how their day is going, or what they're up to briefly. Examples of acquaintances: A friend, partner, or family member of a friend, a classmate or teacher, a co-worker (maybe even someone in a position over yours, if they aren't total assholes), that bartender you see often and chat with, and so on. Acquaintance is a word that I feel could be used a great deal more by the folk in the demographics that I currently fall into, and I personally make a point of using it as often as possible whenever I feel that it is necessary and appropriate, lest people misunderstand where it is that we stand... ("I thought we were friends?!")

So now that I have that one explained, a Friendly Acquaintance then, is someone that falls somewhere in between friend and acquaintance. This is someone who I will probably gravitate to and bullshit with once I am at my appointed place, as we have more things in common. It's the classmate/co-worker and such that I'm pals with, but really only within the confines of our appointed place. We don't really hang out outside of this appointed place, but I'd probably get lunch with them and a group of other friendly acquaintances, and maybe even give them a ride home if they needed every once in a while. If time and distance permits it, we might become friends, whether by chance or as an eventuality.

Next, the self-explanatory Stranger. To me, a stranger is not as scary as your parents would have you believe, it's just someone who I don't know! (But I might be an optimist, so...) A stranger is someone I might sit next to at a bus stop or hospital waiting room, or stand by in a long line or a crown, and actually hold a conversation with for as long as the time permits, then when we go our separate ways and I never see them again, I'd never really wonder about them. The only thing we had in common was probably that moment, and that's fine.

Directly next in line is the Fair Weather Friend, and I have a perfectly good explanation as to why I have them somewhere in between a stranger and an enemy. The fair weather friend is only friendly with you when times are good, or when it benefits them in some way. While the stranger at the bus stop might ask you why you're looking kinda blue, and if you want to talk about it, the fair weather friend would, upon being directly asked if they could spare a minute to talk, tell you some excuse as to why they can't, and get out of there. A fair weather friend is someone who would invite you out someplace, because they have no one else to go with them, but pull a disappearing act on you when you ask them for the same, or when you're already out with them and they've grown tired of you. Fair weather friends could be anything from unreliable to downright parasitic...

The next one down the list is the Enemy. My definition of an enemy is fairly simple. This is someone who openly shows disdain for you, and will not only wish that bad things happen to you, but might even act to ensure that they do. All rivals are not necessarily enemies, but enemies probably see you as competition. Whatever it might be, something about you greatly inconveniences this person, be it real or imagined. They might greatly dislike you because they believe you are in the way of something they want, or you remind them of a reality that they do not wish to face or strongly disagree with, or of someone else that they greatly dislike.

And the last one down the line is the Frienemy! A frienemy is not to be confused with a fair weather friend. While a fair weather friend at its worst can be parasitic, the frienemy is simply an enemy who masquerades as one of your friends. The fair weather friend is only around when there's something in it for them, the frienemy wants you gone. The fact that they are not open and honest about their disdain for you makes them, in my opinion, worse than an enemy. If an enemy sticks a knife into one of your kidneys, at least you won't be surprised when you turn around to see a smile on their face.

I think that about breaks it all down. I could probably throw a few more in there, but that would just over-complicate things. (And I don't want that! I mean, some of you are just now learning what a friend is! Haha...) It might not need mention, but our connections to the people in our lives are dynamic, and while a close friend will never become a stranger (unless you lost your memory), they could definitely become estranged, disappear from your life, or maybe even turn into an enemy.

So, do you know your friends from your acquaintances and from your fair weather friends? That might be something to think about for a moment. For now, I'm all done here. Until the next time, y'all carry on with your selves.

J, out...

Passionate

(I prefer to avoid one-word titles, since it's easier to reuse that word in a title if the previous time that it was used it also included lots of other words along with it...but it will have to do.)

I haven't written a blog in a while, and since I haven't been feeling particularly artsy, I'll post something here instead. Plus, I feel like I could probably help y'all see that I'm a little more balanced by showing parts of me that are in opposition (...maybe) with my last post, and with some generally held beliefs about my...emotionality.

(Also, someone else told me that they like the way I write, so I thought I could write some more. Hi auntie! :P )

As expressed (I think) in my previous post, I'm highly interested in gender relations and relationship dynamics. This interest (and the "knowledge" I've gained) makes it so that either, many friends come to me for advice, or so that it naturally comes up in conversation. (You could accuse me of being "naturally" prone to leading conversations there, also. Haha...) Sadly, much of the time, I seem to come across to these folk as a bit of a pessimist when it comes to Love (how people infer that, I have no idea!), but I believe that it has a lot more to do with people coming to me with, honestly, really antiquated/unrealistic/narrow-minded/downright childish beliefs about Love. (HARSH.........I know.) With that, I feel the need to tell my side of the story...or, just one story that sheds some light on what my side is, while still leaving it ambiguous enough. (That's more my style anyhow.)

Anywho, during a text message conversation with a lady friend, I got all passionate about it and this came out:

"The only time that love "fails" is when people put unreasonable expectations on it. If you believe romantic love will last forever, that it will right all of the wrongs in your life, that it gives you the right to act like a psycho and/or like a child, and that it will mean that you will not become sexually attracted to, or fall in love with, anyone else, then YES. Love will fail..."

Wow. You gotta admit, that's pretty good shit for something found in a text message! Of course, I reposted it on Facebook, and followed it up with a comment that said "[...] I see too many relationships ruined by the silly, fairy tale ideas that people carry around with them." in regards to my reason for posting it. Enough people appreciated it, but I'm also sure that there were those among the silent that are angered by my ideas. I know a few too many people that would rather keep hearing the fairy tales, and find anything that punctures holes of reality through the fantasies extremely repulsive. It's pretty sad, but I see it all of the time with some of these people.

My statement above is pretty self evident, self contained, and self explanatory, so I won't dissect it without a request. But with that, you be the judge: Does my belief about Love scream that I'm against it? If you think it does, I would suggest going and brushing up on your reading comprehension, because you're mistaken. What I ask, and hope for, is for people to get their heads out of the clouds and get real about Love. Is it so hard just looking at the facts, laid out in plain sight by our lives, and accept them? Can we grow up and stop throwing tantrums, since they won't change anything? Who are you fighting and/or hurting, but your own damn self, by propagating and perpetuating maladaptive beliefs?

Here, I want to share a great example of why I see this as such an ill: Another lady friend, who I helped to see and accept her own (natural and perfectly normal) inclination towards non-monogamy, came to me for advice on a love interest. She wanted to know what she could do to make him want to settle into a monogamous relationship with her. She described how they'd been dating for a little while, and how they have such great times together, but that he doesn't want to be in a relationship. So I went, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! So...everything is going great, and you want to change things...why?" She explained how she thought things will just be better if they go exclusive. So I let her know that all she will probably do by pushing it is to push him away, and also reminded her about her recent realization that maybe, just maybe, sexual monogamy isn't what she really wants, when she blew up with "I don't give a damn if it doesn't last and I just end up getting hurt because of my expectations, I *WANT* the bullshit fairy tale!"

Whoa...

Now do you see the sickness that I'm fighting? Knowing and understanding yourself and others, yet going along with sick, psychotic (People as property?...yeah, no. Sorry, but that's pretty psychotic) beliefs, that you've never seen functioning properly, because the fantasy just "seems" nicer? It's sick, and it's sad. Yeah, she got him to comply. Yeah, she got him to feel bad enough to go along with the whole "exclusive" relationship thing. Then, a week or so later, she's single, and angry, and they'll probably never talk again. If she'd have just accepted her truth, had faith that his truth is the same, and left things as they were, they would still be having some great times together. But, this society's psychotically possessive fairy tale, that fails to acknowledge or respect human nature, sexuality, and autonomy, but that seems so sweet and rosy on the surface, wouldn't give her validation until she destroyed the very connection that she so badly wanted to keep. It's almost poetic.

The result is, I get to keep hearing and seeing "FUCK LOVE!" and "There's not such thing as love!" from people foolish enough to buy the damn fairy tale they've been fed, and indignantly ignorant enough to not look at, and accept, the reality around them.

And that's about all I want to say on the subject.

J, out...

Da Public Display of Affection, Up in Ya Social Network

(or..no, nevermind. That title is perfect)

At the risk of coming across as a very cynical person (concerning "love"), I feel the need (how ironic) to expound on a post I made on Facebook this morning. (Accuse me of propagating E-drama, I don't care!) I guess, as a heads up, you could file this under a sort of "rant", although I'm not entirely sure where I'm going to take it yet, so please, read on! This is what my status update was:

"Honestly, everytime that I see one of you make a post directed at your "significant other" (Except you're not. You're posting it for the rest of *us* to see) telling them how much you love them, I can't help but to cringe and feel a bit worried. I cringe, and worry, because you've just made it obvious that things must not be going so well if you feel the need to reassure the rest of us that it is!... STOP IT."

(It was followed by a comment from me saying "Yeah. I said it." and many "Likes" for the status and the comment alike...)

So, if the content of that status post did not make its context obvious, I will proceed to do so. (I say that as if I wasn't. It's the whole reason I started writing this post! Silly me...) To start, I want to give y'all a little backstory, so that I (and my views) may be better understood. (I LOVE backstory time!) Alright, so, there's a certain aspect of my life that I've become painfully and unapologetically honest about to everyone who knows me, and as a result (which still comes as a big surprise to me) the women in my life (friends, lovers, and otherwise) have become incredibly honest, to me, about their behavior while in, out, around, and in-between so-called "exclusive" relationships, and about the men in their lives. I've known several of these girls for years, so I feel totally safe assuming that their brave honesty has everything to do with the shift in my thinking. To summarize, I'll say that it's the sort of stuff the lot of you would consider "scandalous". And that any of you reading this who happen to be conservative, monogamous minded, take-home-to-meet-the-parents type of males should feel very concerned. (Or, conversely, you could read this book!) Anyways, moving on...

After some of these extremely frank conversations, and becoming aware of just how "well" their relationships were going, and of just how "great" they felt about their men, you could probably understand my confusion after I would still see many of these Jane Does posting statuses letting everyone on Facebook know just how "great/amazing/loving/caring/barf!" their boyfriend/husband is.

Really?

Excuse me for being a bit naive (I want to trust people, I really do), but it wasn't until following up with these women, and learning that, no, they still felt the same as they'd told me they did in private, that I realized that it's all just a big, fat FRONT. It's crazy, and a little scary, when I actually start to think about it. To think about how so many people, especially women, hide, or outright lie about, how they actually feel about things. (Sorry, girls, but it's undeniable that the magnitude of your fronting is proportional to the amount of force that our society uses to try and make you conform...and I guess I can't entirely blame you for it.) It makes it rather difficult not being cynical about these things, but I'll say that that little book that I linked above gives me lots of hope for humanity.

Anyhow, now that my sentiments on the subject have been thoroughly expounded, I guess I can move on with the tale at hand. So, these silly little status updates are common enough occurrences/annoyances, and a little "wink-wink" (by way of a "Like" from me) or vague disapproval (By way of leaving a comment that simply reads "Reassurance") is all they usually get. Today though, one of these young women posted "I love you, (John Doe).", and I think my slight fever, combined with the cringing induced by the things I know about this "relationship", caused the explosion of words seen near the beginning of this blog post. You could say that publishing my status post, which is not viewable by her boyfriend, was the more socially acceptable thing to do...

As I mentioned above though (in parenthesis, about the magnitude of the fronting being proportional to society's pressure to conform), I can't place all of the blame on the girls. If some of you guys weren't perceived as being the emotionally fragile, possessive little cry-babies that you are by your women, then they wouldn't feel the need to constantly lie just to spare your feelings. (They'd probably also break up with you sooner, get back with you less and be a lot happier. Hey, I never said *I* cared about your fragile emotions.)

I don't even know where it was that I wanted to go with all this (aside from making my displeasure with it all clearly known), but things would be so much easier if people were just honest about what and how they feel, and accepting of what and how others feel. (After all, we don't choose how we feel. Can we really be faulted for it?!) That's all I had. Y'all get out of here now. Go on, git!

J, out...

On This Blog's Title

(me actually disliking spiders...but letting "this" happen)

I've kinda become known as the "Spider Guy" to some of the kids at my school. It's a very strange thing, though. I mean, I've turned (what I figure is) my arachnophobia into some sort of obsession. I find this as strange as they do...

So, I figured it was time that I went into this, and decided that this would be a good place to go a little more in-depth on this subject, since I'm more concerned with writing about process, and so on, in my TARANTULAS blog.

So, where do I start? I suppose this all started when I was taking Animal Anatomy in the Fall 2008 quarter. Our first assignment was to draw a "small animal portrait". (Not to toot my own horn, since I'm known for being pretty damn good with charcoal, but lemme tell you, that, there is nothing "small" about drawing a fully finished piece on 18x24in paper...) I'm not exactly sure what devil got into me that morning, but when I went looking for reference images I decided to look for spiders; I got a surprise.

I returned to class with some of the other reference images that I had acquired, and stopped by to speak to the instructor briefly. I told him, "Y'know...I think I learned something new about myself during this little search. I went looking for images of spiders, and while going through and looking at all sorts of different close ups, I started feeling a little nauseous, and my palms got a little sweaty. I think I'm arachnophobic..." and with a confused smile and a nod of his head he replied, "Really?...That's interesting."

This "realization" set me on a bit of a journey. I went home that day and found a few hideously close-up shots of spiders of all sorts and began using them as desktop backgrounds. I figured I could conduct some exposure therapy on myself. I'm not sure if this helped any, as I simply got to add spider nightmares to my repertoire of dreams, and gained a sort of obsession with featuring spiders in my art. That art part didn't manifest itself until over a year later, in the Winter of 2010, when I modeled a spider to add to a scene. It's kind of went on from there... (This and that, among others)

It wasn't much longer before I was wearing my own t-shirts (bearing, at the least, one spider on them, by way of my brand), and you could probably say that this was the tipping point to me earning the "spider guy/dude" nickname I've been given by some. (I am sometimes called "spider man", at which time they often go, "You know what I mean!", inferring that they don't mean that Spider Man)

I guess I can't say that I dislike it. If I had a problem with being known as the spider guy, I wouldn't have made one my brand, huh? Speaking of my brand, I will be redesigning it soon. I suppose it was that fact that got me thinking about this. Hm...

Well, that's all I have for that one. A 28 hour train ride back home (in which I got very little rest) killed my immune system, and I'm fighting a flu at the moment, so I think I'll return to resting now. Until next time, carry on!

J, out...